Mystical training

Apologies for the lack of posts for a couple of days, as I am sure you presumed, I have been considering which part of the vast wisdom stored within my immortal brain I should share with the world.

I settled upon training, these are the activities, thoughts and processes that are my constant sherpers on the mountain that is world domination through means most sorcerous.

1) you never know when a new power may manifest, it is my constant belief and fear that the greatest trombone player who ever lived has probably never even played a trombone and so with this in mind I often try to levitate objects with my mind ‘just incase’ I also on occasion attempt to fly, however this has as often as not just landed me in local lakes and ponds whilst fully clothed- and nothing chafes quite like a soggy sackcloth garment in a winter breeze 😦

2) my body is a temple, I have explored this truth perhaps more than any man should, I read somewhere that thinking about exercise counts as well as doing a third of the exercise in actuality- I started small and thought about myself lifting weights, but quickly ramped it up to lifting things like trucks, skyscrapers and Mr Cameron’s desire to crush the working man but unfortunately this theory does has limits- the evidence for which can be seen on my previous post in particular the African tribesman picture.

I have decided however that I was looking at this all wrong, do I want to be a little backwater church somewhere or do I want to be Westminster cathedral?? That’s right-Westminster all the way and this temple needs some extra pews so I got myself a krispy kreme loyalty card and never looked back 🙂

3) Research: as a professional social worker I am committed to quality research and effective evidence based practice, for this reason I have watched every season of heroes and ensured that I am familiar with Hiro Nakamura’s teachings and catchphrases, I feel that this has given me great insight into forces beyond those we can explain in everyday life and has truly taken me one step closer to possessing time control powers.

 

specialising

The time has come for me to devote more time to a specific avenue of research. Much to the dismay of my assistant, pyromancy is one of the areas I have had the most impressive results with, the ‘flaming nail man’ ability perhaps most notably, with the simple addition of sticks and flame, one can be transformed into a terrifying wolverine of the inferno- unfortunately I hadn’t factored in the necessity to not allow this visage to go on too long or one tends to end up with rather burnt fingers 😦

Other such wonders include ‘self immolation whilst fixing a bath’ in which a torch is substituted for a candle due to lack of batteries- apply sufficient absent mindedness and soon you too can set your robes ablaze- my recommendations for this would be to have a helpful assistant to hand as mine merely commented to a guest “it’s ok this happens all the time” as my pleas for assistance echoed down the tower staircase.

 

Another potential area for me to expand into is that of transfiguration, I have recently successfully turned myself into a Viking:

 

An immortal space warrior:

A Christmas tree:

An African tribesman:

 

And even an Australian:

Amongst many other things that were less aesthetically pleasing such as my venture into turning into evil Spider-Man which went a bit wrong 🙂

Wizardry funding

As with many aspiring wizards, I have to please my patrons in order to continue my research- today I was called before the high council of the arcane to give account of my recent progress.

As usual the debate ensued around the value of my time spent practicing alchemy, I explained that as soon as I master turning base elements into gold, I will no longer need their ongoing funding, however they lacked the wisdom to grasp the potential of this arena and so I may be forced in future weeks to focus upon other areas. This is a heartfelt disappointment to me as I had recently discovered a formulae which could give anybody very unpleasant stomach cramps- the secret to this was merely to cook cheesy pasta with chicken and onions in it, leave it on the side for two days and serve to anyone willing to eat it- myself and my assistant/wife are currently still dealing with the after effects of this particular venture into the mystical realm.

About

I have been inspired to write a blog so that my genius can be better shared amongst those wise enough to understand it, many is the time a finely crafted witticism or one liner goes down in silence and the only reason that makes any sense is that the audience must be to blame.

I am a world renounced expert in the realm of ultracrepidarianism which is a talent many people employ without realising it but true mastery allows one to be a veritable font of knowledge on virtually any subject you could care to mention 🙂

I have a wonderful family, a beautiful wife (just one for any polygamist readers) and four adorable children (none of which are for sale).

Finally, as regards work I am a qualified social worker currently working as a wizard in training.